Help! Friends! A guinea pig tricked me!

On Nipples

It's still cold here in merry old England and in general it is bad for everyone, but it is especially bad for the female of the species because nippleage is at its peak in frosty weather.

When you're wrapped in multiple layers of clothing, nippleage will not occur unless in rare circumstances where the individual has nipples like frozen grapes. When you're going to the gym however, you usually only wear a tshirt and a sports bra (or any other bra if you don't care that breasts can travel 10cm up and down during vigorous activity), and the potential for nippleage is enormous and embarrassing. How many times have you stretched in front of the mirror after a satisfying workout, and a shiver runs down your spine, and then your eyes widen when you realise your nipples are standing at attention. It's the penis of the girl world, your nipples. Sometimes, they tell the world you're thinking of something dirty. Unlike the penis however, cold does not make your nipples shrink back into your body looking for warmth.

Part of the purpose of bras is to deliberately obscure your nipples - that's why women who go braless sometimes wear nipple tape 'for decency's sake'. The problem with nipples is that the minute they're visible, the top you're wearing might as well be transparent. Without your nipples, you don't have breasts - you have lumps. Mannequins are de-eroticised without their nipples. Underwear catalogues airbrush nipples away. We all know men love nipples, but I ask you, when you see some fat chick walk past and her boobs are papaya-sized and shaped, and her nipples are somewhere near her knees, do you really think 'woo!'? The only women who can pull off going bra-less and flashing their nipples left right and centre are the ones who have less breast in the first place. It's pert, it's sassy, it's sexy. For the bustier woman, gravity dictates that your nipples will always point downwards. They're not like headlights, more like a bashful 'hey, look at my shoes!'.

I was walking down the hall corridor to the kitchen, when a guy friend stumbled out my hallmate's room, eyes glazed and drowsy-faced. As it was roughly 3am, I didn't feel the need to wear a bra, and it was cold. He lurched past me towards the toilet with sleepy greetings; I went into the kitchen and washed some dishes. A few minutes later, he poked his head in with intentions of starting a conversation. I interrupted with 'Hey, just to let you know, I'm not wearing a bra. I'm totally fine with it, but you might be uncomfortable.' Before I could turn from the sink, he muttered 'Okay, bye!' and dashed out the front door.

Such is the power of the nipple!

'What? You call this music?'

What does a record collection say about its owner? We asked eight very different musicians to swap iPods. No one knew whose tunes they were listening to, but that didn't stop them from guessing - and making some rather harsh judgments ...

Star Factory

Septien, and just about every other recording artist in mainstream music, uses "plug-ins" that filter and mold the recorded voice into a smooth, slick product. It's a trick her students are well aware of, including Maddie Smith, who says that "I could be the worst singer in the world, and Linda could make me sound good." There are allowances for pitch in addition to myriad extras that can make a voice sound like it was recorded in different environments, from hallways to bathrooms. "These are all things that make Ashlee Simpson sound perfect," Septien yells over the music.